Broken...

Many children have favorite toys or clothes. And most of them will be broken, torn, or ripped...pretty much damaged somehow at one point or another. But does that make the toy or whatever this favorite item is any less valuable? No, when it's your favorite shirt or the best game you have ever played a little stain doesn't change that.

For the longest what I wanted most in the world was love. I have always been the type to enjoy taking care of people. I remember being in elementary school and I would call my friends to wake up them up for school. Then I got a little older and boys began to catch my eyes. And now, as a young woman, I still find myself with a desire to cater to people. Don't get me wrong I find joy in taking care of myself too. But there is this crazy satisfaction I getting when I can take care of "my man." 

But as much satisfaction as this brings me I am finding my heart to become as that old shirt that has had a few too many trips through the mud. The stain might lighten up a bit but it is still there. I've put my heart back together so many times that its starting not to fit together the same anymore. Its like after putting it together after this heartache I had a little less compassion. After another heartache I had a little less of this and that. I'm sure that pretty soon I will not have anything left to put together.

I am pretty sure that if my heart breaks again that stitching I have been fixing on it for years is finally going to fall apart. I am pretty sure that if my heart comes apart again I will not be able to find the screw that puts it back together. I am CONFIDENT that I have no desire to feel another heartbreak...im running out of ducktape...and I don't want to buy anymore.

I'm tired of being broken!

Him

So there was this guy and I let him in fast and I cared about him hard. And one day...he left.
There really aren't more details than that. One day he decided that he wouldn't answer the phone, he wouldn't call, text, or Facebook. He would walk out my life and not look back. And at first I was angry then I was nonchalant but now although it has been over a month I am honestly a little hurt.

How irrelevant, insufficient, and mediocre do I have to be to for someone to be able to walk out of my life like that? I don't say this because I want him back although I won't lie I miss how he made me feel. I just can't help but feel like I am some piece of scum at the bottom of someones shoe.

I want to make it clear that in no way I want him back because I know what I deserve. But it just seems to be clicking in my head how much, or how little he saw me as to dismiss me like that, and it hurts.

I know I am not a beauty queen. I am not the funniest, smartest, and I don't have the prettiest clothes but I have to be worth more than that! Am I not worth fighting for? I see these basic ass bitches, and sometimes less than basic, doing nothing their lives and they have these guys falling for them and I just don't get it. I work my ass off. I take care of myself. Yet no one NO ONE is man enough and simply be there. I don't ask for money I really don't ask for anything other than support and respect.

I know one day I will shake this feeling of nothingness but this week...this week...it really hurts!